Sailing away with Scorose!
by over-rehearsed
Summary: A five-step parody on how to write the best Scorose fanfiction out there.


**Sailing away with Scorose!**

_A five-step guide on how to write the best Scorrose fanfiction out there._

Ahoy there, matey!

So you have decided to embark upon the epic journey of a Scorose novel-length story, have you? Bearing in mind that few reach their actual destination, I have concocted a guide to sail you through the rough seas ahead.

We'll start with the preparations you must take for the journey.

And without any further ado:

* * *

**Step One: **Finding your crew.

_Or, in fanfiction terms, the characters._

Otherwise known as 'choosing which stereotypical character best fits your story.'

I suppose you're asking right about now 'is she serious? Do we really need to plan our characters before we start writing?' Why yes, yes you do.

Please note this important detail:

IT TAKES MORE THAN ONE PERSON TO MAN A SHIP.

_First, obviously, there's Rose Weasley._

Rose Weasley is either a red head whose hair is more auburn than ginger or she's a brunette. She inherited intelligence from her mother, is a complete good girl, is top of her class, and is always, _always _head girl in her seventh year. She has a fiery temper and is either really good at Quidditch or despises it.

She is always either a Gryffindor or a Ravenclaw.

_Next comes Scorpius Malfoy._

His hair is platinum blonde- and don't forget to mention how utterly _sexy _it is. He's the hottest boy in school and shags girls all the time- this version of him is the Slytherin one.

Then there's the times that his hair is platinum blonde, he's cute, shy, awkward, and/or adorable, and he's always had a protective side over his best friend, Rose, but he never realizes it until when the story starts. This is the Ravenclaw version of him.

On the rare occasion you see a Gryffindor version of him, his hair is platinum blonde and he simply _must_ flirt with and chase after Rose shamelessly. After all, who's to say he isn't James Potter (the first)'s reincarnation, right?

However, no matter which version of him you choose, Rose is _always _the top of their class and he is _always _second.

_Then, there comes the Weasley children._

Now, I'm not going to go in-depth on all of them, as we'd be here all day if I were to do that. Instead, I'll just cover the important two: Albus and Lily.

_There are two basic ways you can portray Albus Severus Potter._

There's the Slytherin Albus that is on every girl's 'shag list' and is best friends with a certain Scorpius Malfoy. He's usually best friends with Rose too, and thus, has to constantly juggle between the two of them. Also, unless you decide to make Scorpius the Slytherin seeker so that he can have some much needed sexual tension with Seeker!Rose, Albus Severus Potter should definitely be the Slytherin seeker.

Second, there is Albus that's in Gryffindor. He's the one that acts protective of Rose and warns her against Scorpius frequently. You don't need to develop him more than that, because that's all he's really there to do- though going out with Rose's best friend (OC) is a must too.

_Lily Luna Potter:_

She's a cute little Gryffindor whose main objective is to figure out that Rose is in love with Scorpius. She'll stop at nothing to make Rose realize it too; also, make sure to mention something about a bet as well.

Then, there's the OCs:

_Rose's boyfriend:_ He's an arsehole disguised as a good guy. He isn't exactly necessary, but he's a great option to have if you want to make your story a good ten chapters or so longer! In the end, he ends up cheating on her anyway, and in the end, she doesn't give a damn because she has Scorpius, so ha! Typically, he'll have the last name of a Slytherin, because who else would cheat on someone? Or he can be a McLaggen, because, obviously, we never liked Cormac much, anyway.

_Scorpius's shag-buddy:_ It's important to never really call her a girlfriend, because, as we all know, Scorpius has commitment issues until Rose comes along. This character is really only necessary because she makes life hard for Rose anyway. She's usually either the daughter of Lavender Brown or Pansy Parkinson, because they were the type of people who would do that, of course.

_Rose's best friend(s)_: Not including Al, of course. And they should all be roommates anyway, because that's what happens in life- you become best friends for life with your roommates. At least one of them will, inevitably, fall for Al Potter in the course of the story, and at least one of them (depending on how many of them there actually are) will end up mad at her by the end of the story. That's inevitable too, really, she's Rose, after all, so _of course_ they would be jealous. And they end up friends again by the end of the year, so it all works out alright in the end.

* * *

**Step Two: **Determining your destination

_Where to end the story?_

This one's easy. Your destination: Rose and Scorpius ending up together.

No If, ands, or buts about it.

Though, if as an added bonus you wanted to throw in Albus/OC working out as well, a nice and totally not clichéd epilogue that shows their wedding, and a promise for a sequel or two, no one would complain.

* * *

**Step Three: **Plotting your course

_This step is vital, as it shows how you get to your destination._

The best plots are already written out for you though, so you needn't worry about it too much.

_Option One: _

Use Slytherin Scorpius for this, though either Rose will work, to be honest.

In this story, Rose and Scorpius absolutely hate each other. It takes place in seventh year- as all great Scorose fics undoubtedly do- and they are Head girl and Head boy, respectively. They share a common room, lots of witty and sarcastic remarks, and a detention… at some point or another (detention should usually occur due to hexing and/or yelling at each other).

Essentially, the most important thing about this sort of story is how they end up coming together. Here are some great choices to choose from:

First, the ever-classy 'potions partners.' This works doubly well because then you can have her figure out that she loves him due to amortentia potion.

Then, there's always that 'intoxicated confessions' route you can take- in fact, one chapter title ought to be 'drunk confessions' anyway, because when else is Mister 'bad boy' Scorpius Malfoy going to tell her that he thinks she's pretty swell?

Let's never forget their detention, and how intense those conversations always get.

And last but not least, there's the masquerade ball, or plain old ball- always a winner.

*****Bonus points if you find a way to incorporate more than one into your story.*****

Don't forget to include the tense themes about last names and judgment, and a scene of Ron's reaction is always fun!

_Option Two:_

In which Rose and Scorpius are best friends. These always have the both of them in Ravenclaw, and they usually meet in their first year. (Flashing scenes back to it or starting out when they're first years is highly encouraged, though not mandatory.) These stories always include Scorpius being in love with Rose, but Rose having a boyfriend. Or, even more often, Rose getting a boyfriend and here we see Scorpius's overprotective love of her… and then she gets mad, but eventually forgives him, realizes her love for them, they kiss and she dumps said boyfriend for him and then they end up living happily ever after.

How sweet.

_Option Three: _

This is the Scorrose version of Romeo and Juliet. In which Rose and her whole family are Gryffindors, Scorpius is a Slytherin, and not only have times not changed since their parents were at school- they've gotten worse!

Just follow the Romeo&Juliet plot exactly (with character changes and incorporating it into the wizarding world, of course) and you'll do fine. Feel free to kill off Rose and/or Scorpius as you wish because that happened in the play too, and we all just love a tragic ending, of course.

_Additional note_: Each of these options should either be written entirely in Rose's POV or alternating between hers and Scorpius's, because, let's face it- we're all girls here and Rose is just _that_ much more relatable because of it.

* * *

**Step Four: **Setting sail

_The actual writing and everything that follows._

**Sub-step one: **All Aboard!

(The actual writing)

Betas are always an option of course. But, really, who needs them? It's only grammar, and no one cares about such things anymore.

Please feel free to make all of the spelling errors you wish.

Commas? What are commas?

Forget that there's a difference between 'to,' 'too,' and 'two'- to works for all of them. And there can cover for 'their' and 'they're' as well.

And don't get me started on what the heck those apostrophe things are.

Oh and, not to mention, you shouldn't bother worrying about spacing out your paragraphs between dialogue and such. Why would you care to make something pretty to read? After all, the stories with the worst grammar get the most reviews anyway, don't they?

As I said before, it's just grammar.

**Sub-step two: **Captain's Orders

(Author's notes)

Make them terribly long.

Maybe you could write out a thank you to every single person that reviewed the last chapter, for a lack of anything else to mention there?

Mention at least once how horrible you think the chapter is, too. Because you're a Scorrose shipper, and all Scorrose shippers are terribly insecure about their writing.

Begging for reviews are also a plus.

**Sub-Step Three: **Naming your ship!

(Title of the story)

The first thing to think of when naming a story and writing a description, is what the story's actually about.

Mention something about being friends or enemies. And, when the naming gets tough, talking about a Rose and its thorns never fails.

**Sub-step Four:** Anchors Away!

(The actual publishing)

Publish your story.

**Sub-Step Five: **Uh…

(Reviews)

Unless you're incredibly unlucky, your story is, at some point, going to get a review. The magic is in how you handle it.

People suck, and reviews don't count unless they're telling you how amazing your story is and 'UPDATE QUICKLY, PLZ!'

Basically, if it's negative or constructively criticizes you, just ignore the reviewer. You're right and they're wrong- after all, _they _didn't have me to guide them, now did they?

**Sub-step Six: **Rough Seas Ahead

(That annoying little thing we call Writer's Block)

Newsflash: Even the best writers get it. And trust me, with me to lead you, you _are _one of the best writers.

Anyway, after you get a slight case of writer's block, take a few months of a break as needed.

In fact, you can even feel free to stop your story right there, if you'd like. As I've already told you, many writers don't even end up reaching their destination, so why should you need to?

* * *

**Step Five: **Land Ho!

_Arriving at your destination._

Oh, so you've made it to the end, have you? Alas, you've caught me off guard- I didn't know you had it in you.

As you type up your last chapter, feel perfectly free to get all sentimental on the Author's note at the end. It's only expected. Oh, and don't forget that epilogue you promised approximately five chapters ago. You know, the one where we see the two of them getting married?

But, never fear, it doesn't _have _to be the end of little Rose Weasley and Scorpius Malfoy!

You can always write a sequel!

_Repeat cycle._

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**this is a _parody, _not an attempt to point out anyone in particular.**

**In fact, if you're thinking about how I've been singling you out the entire time, then you're probably paranoid and clearly doing something wrong with your story.**

**I adore Rose/Scorpius- I happen to read any of those sorts of plotlines that I mentioned before… as long as they're well-written.**

**I probably fall for some of the same exact problems that I pointed out, but that doesn't mean I can't make fun of it, now does it?**

**Lots of love!**

**~Amy**


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